This morning the frost is clinging to the grass. It is supposed to warm up into the 50's later, a welcome reprieve in December. Sweet birds come to the feeder, taking turns consuming seeds, eyeing the orange cat warily; they are wise- he is a threat.
Today I am lonely. I want for interesting conversation. Instead, I have a long list of tasks- prepare dinner ahead of my evening work shift, check up on laundry, homeschool the 7th grader, pick up library holds, scrub the shower, and always keeping the preschooler occupied. I usually find satisfaction in these things because I generally like homemaking. Today I feel dull and listless and annoyed.
For years now I have wanted more. More than home and laundry. I want to start grad school, take a naturalist class, try new hobbies, start a business. I want to meet new people. I just don't know which direction to go. And I don't have the time or money to do many of these things anyway; therein lies the problem. And so I feel a bit trapped. I wish I at least had someone to talk to; but most of my friends and family are very busy or disinterested in conversing about much other than kids activities and what we're all cooking for dinner. I enjoy these topics as well, but I'm yearning for more. Can we discuss C.S. Lewis, politics, Puritan writing, identifying native plants, travel, hymns, or farming?
I don't think most of the people in my life really know me, or care to. Does anybody even know that I teach riding lessons to special needs kids? No one asks how it's going homeschooling a difficult child with learning differences. I mention that I want to start a business, but then the conversation fizzles out. I need encouragement. And I probably don't know what's going on with them either; many people in my life have closed off anything personal. But I want more real relationship; and I don't know how to get there.
I'm grateful for health and home and dreams and warmth. And I hope soon I can add more depth to the list.
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