Tomorrow begins the last month of the year, wrapping up a tumultuous annum. I can gratefully say that Behn has been working in a wonderful new job for 3 months now- a job with a salary and benefits and a holiday party and an office. We're so relieved and thankful. I am still working part time (less though) to pay for preschool, and any extra goes to the ponies. It's an tricky conundrum: homeschooling ADHD kid- need quiet- toddler goes to preschool- must work evenings to pay for preschool. It feels like a lot on me to come up with these solutions, but that's where we are.
I have not yet fully processed the difficulties of the year, but as we settled into the new situation for the family (ie: sufficient salary) much of the tension and "fight or flight" feelings have dissolved and I have begun to dream again. I miss the romanticism of earlier years in my life where I daydreamed about marriage and babies and mountains and travel and home-building. Now I spend my time thinking about how to make more money for tuition, what kind of addition would work for our house, how can we take a little trip with the kids, and should I start a small business? It's not glamorous, but that's where I am.
Talking to loved ones that are suffering, I want to offer the hope that the end can be better than the beginning. The thing is, I can't promise it. Sometimes endings are not better; sometimes they end in divorce or hurt or harm or death. Sometimes the ending IS better, although we stand a bit lopsided and bruised. And so I continue to wrestle with the need for optimism and trust in a good God (a kind Shepherd, a sovereign King, a loving Savior) with the reality that life can be uncertain and brutal.
The great flocks of starlings are in flight, whisping and dancing as they migrate. They are impossible to ignore, and fill me with wonder every time I see the thousands of them.
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