The other day our home air conditioning broke. Like, it's dead. I came home late from a shift and found Behn in our office mopping up a puddle from underneath the unit, and I think we both knew it was doomed. Everything has gone from bad to worse. We laughed because what else can you do at this point?
Among the items pulled from the closet where the AC unit sits was a (wet) bag of baby clothes.
"Oh, I forgot about this bag of U's clothing," I said and tenderly set it aside.
Next day I washed the items, then lovingly folded them and will be giving them away. I feel bad they didn't leave when he did; I had held them to give to whoever took his baby brother, but I never met that person, and then I forgot about the clothing.
Often when I'm out and about, I see things that remind me of 'U.' A baby with the same blanket he had, an infant wearing the same hat. My heart feels sad in many ways that I still need to unpack. Our family took on a foster baby for 7 months; he needed a safe and loving place to live. The situation was complex and we knew over time that we couldn't keep him long-term. For most of that time, we cheered his parents one. Couldn't they get their lives together, get jobs and therapy and understand the gospel and be changed by God's love? No one is beyond redemption. Over time, we knew we needed separation from the whole situation, especially knowing their was a little brother on the way, with siblings needing to be together. In the meantime, we loved the little guy. Our children adored him; we saw his first rolling over, sitting up, baby babble, crawling. His joy was infectious. We all miss him, and his picture sits on our fireplace mantel.
I don't know if we'll ever see him again, but I hope so. We are not in contact with the people who have him now (and I'm disappointed about where he ended up), and I think he will be adopted with his brother. Overall, the situation saddens my heart. I feel a sense of guilt that we could not adopt him and his brother. But I'm also grateful now that we're going through intense trials that we don't have infants and toddlers to care for. We're barely keeping our heads afloat as it is.
There's more I could say; there's more I need to work through. But for now, it is good to see, hug, and pass on those clothes.
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