Last night a thunderstorm came ripping through the night. I love a good thunderstorm; it is one of the ways the summer months feel bearable. Everything is fresh and glistening this morning.
I have been contemplating obedience lately. There is some bitterness in these remarks, I fear. The last year has easily been the hardest of our lives. It feel like the roads we've walked in obedience have generally led to disappointment and heartache in many ways. I, as an oldest daughter of a pastor, try to "do things right." Obey the rules. Follow authority. Wait for marriage to have sex. Have kids, more than the average 2-3. Go to church each week. Open our home to orphan care. Pay off and stay away from debt. Prioritize Christian education.
These decisions will have tangible and spiritual benefits, or at least that's what I'm told. And I do still believe that. But we also experience a "backfiring" often, it seems. If nothing else, financially. Having a larger family on one income (that keep disappearing!) and prioritizing Christian education is a huge stressor. It literally means for us- no vacation, old cars, and good luck adding onto the house (to fill with the big family we felt we needed). I don't mind the Goodwill life, but nail-biting over a tuition payment or a car repair gets old. And I'm getting old. To be nearly 40 and stopping by the Food Bank is...humbling.
I want to be filled with contentment. I pray for a spirit of repentance, humility, and gratitude. It helps to have friends in similar positions- we are not the only ones. And we and our friends can be happy in this way- summer swims together, popsicles, bonfires- a simple life for ourselves and our children. But some people do get ahead- lots of faithful believers somehow have managed to also do better, materially speaking, than we have. I've struggled with - "why not us?" If we had more money for school/help and a bigger house, we could have kept our foster son and his brother. If we had more money, our kids could go see their cousins in Europe (a dream that has all but faded). More money would help our struggling son with extra programs or tutoring that we simply cannot afford. Instead, the Lord keeps taking away. He forces us to rely on Him- and I know the sweet benefits of this as well. Many years of our marriage have been spent in that trust. I wish I wasn't pushing back on that so much now.
I was listening to Sinclair Ferguson the other day and what he said spoke to my heart.
"You can't second-guess God's providences in your life, although most of us I think do that at some point. The Lord leads us to do something and we tend to assume certain things will follow, but that's not always the case; His ways are not our ways, His thoughts are not ours. Sometimes indeed we assume that if we are obedient then everything will kind of follow out towards fulfilling our own expectations. And then sometimes it seems as though life crumbles in our hands. So, God's providence is a very great mystery, and we can always second-guess what He's doing...So the doctrine of the providence of God doesn't relieve us from going through difficult times- seasons when we wonder what God is doing. But what this doctrine of providence does do is it reassures us that God knows what He is doing."
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